Animals and Anecdotes: August 2013

Romance of the Three Kingdoms is a famous historical novel written in the 14th century. It details the stories and people involved in the downfall of the Han dynasty of China, then the following decades of war and the establishment of the Jin dynasty. This all took place from around 170 to 280 AD.

I haven't read the book. It's 800,000 words which is far out of my scope. I'm still struggling with Clifford the Big Red Dog. Everything I know about RoTK is based on what my parents have told me and my own research.

Much like Greek mythology, the stories are part factual history and part dramatic fabrication. No one knows for sure what's really true, and often there are many different variations of the same event.

Tips for reading Romanized Chinese

- naming convention is last name then first name. So, Zhang Bobby is related to Zhang Steve.
- Q is pronounced Ch - "Qing" sounds like Ching
- X is pronounced Sh - "Xing" sounds like Shing
- Zh is pronounced Dz - like the end of the word "cards" - Zhao sounds like Dzao
- C is pronounced Ts - like the end of the word "eats" - Cao sounds like Tsao

(Don't ask me why they're not just spelled phonetically. I didn't come up with the system.)

Anything in italics is an actual quote from the book, not my regular bullsh*t.

The novel famously begins, "...anything long divided will surely unite, and anything long united will surely divide."

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The Yellow Turban Rebellion

Around 170 AD, the Han dynasty began to fall apart. Corruption was rampant among government officials and the common people suffered horribly. Farms were struck by famine, and court eunuchs pocketed imperial gold while manipulating the emperor for their own gain.

Enter Zhang Jiao, a Taoist preacher, who won the common people over with his classy and eloquent way of speaking.

"This is bullshit." he said. "We're all starving to death, and they're still raising taxes. The emperor is a worthless sack. He has lost the Mandate of Heaven! By the way, I have a Man Date of Heaven this weekend ;) "

"Yeah! I'm with you, Zhang Jiao!" said one of the peasants, as his family died of hunger. "Let's overthrow this fool!"

ZJ called his uprising the Way of Peace, which of course involved horribly violent rebellion. His followers, hundreds of thousands of them, wore yellow pieces of cloth on their heads, and so came to be known as the Yellow Turbans. They started creating chaos by killing local magistrates and burning down government buildings.

The emperor put out a call-to-arms, rousing the imperial army and noble lords to quell the rebellion.

The Oath of the Peach Garden

Liu Bei was not a noble, just an ambitious lower-class dude who was exceptionally charismatic. He rallied together a volunteer army to fight for the emperor and maintain the Han dynasty. His militia included two powerful warriors named Guan Yu and Zhang Fei. The three men got along well, and decided to become sworn brothers. They got together in a nearby peach garden, raised their wine cups and swore an oath:

"We are Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei. Our surnames are different but today we become bros. We swear to uphold order and peace and help those in need. In this case it means serving the imperial army to preserve the Han dynasty. This will probably involve killing a bunch of peasants so that's not really helping those in need but I guess the point is to maintain the peace. We're a little fuzzy on the details. Anyway, though we were born on different days of different months of different years, we hope to die together on the same day, same month, same year. If we ever betray each other or our cause, maybe Heaven and Earth strike us dead."

The End of the Rebellion and the Aftermath

The three bros and the militia joined up with the imperial army, led by commander He Jin, and the standing armies of noble warlords. The Yellow Turbans did pretty well for a few months, inciting uprisings all throughout the country and even in the capital, but were eventually quelled after ZJ was killed. Though the rebellion had been stopped, the damage was done; many government officials were killed and offices destroyed. The emperor couldn't possibly rebuild and maintain everything, so more power and land was given to warlords who had distinguished themselves during the rebellion, such as Cao Cao and Sun Jian. This weakened the emperor's power considerably, and corruption still remained in the capital.

A couple years later, the emperor died of illness, and a power struggle began regarding which of his two infant sons would be the successor. HJ and some other warlords supported the older son, the rightful heir, while the eunuchs wanted to instate the younger son who they could more easily control and manipulate. HJ began calling his allies to march on the capital and oust the eunuchs. In response, the eunuchs pretended to meet with HJ to parley, then assassinated him. His chief ally, Yuan Shao, was enraged and charged into the capital, killing the eunuchs and anyone who happened to be standing nearby.

A few of the eunuchs escaped, taking the two sons with them. Another of HJ's allies named Dong Zhuo caught up to the eunuchs, killed them and brought the boys back to the capital.

"Hey, I got the kids back. I'm gonna go inside, put the rightful heir in power and restore order. I definitely won't usurp the throne." said DZ.

"Oh, cool." said YS. "Thanks dude. Hey, why are you closing the doors?"

Dong Zhuo's Reign of Terror

DZ killed the rightful heir and began a tyrannical rule, under the pretense of governing until the other son came of age. Some court officials stayed around to serve him, either due to the promise of gold or the promise of losing their heads if they left. Still, DZ was so ruthless and cruel that he made few friends. He did have one very important ally: a great warrior by the name of Lu Bu. LB was a fighter of unparalleled strength and skill, yet he was loyal only to himself. He killed his own foster father because DZ paid him to do so. With LB at his side, DZ was able to scare most of his detractors into submission.

Cao Cao's Defiance

Cao Cao was not one of those people, however. He hated DZ's guts and believed he was doomed to fail. Being an important warlord who played a large part in quelling the Rebellion, CC still hung out in the royal court a lot. Eventually DZ brought him in and, recognizing his capabilities as a general, wanted to make him Commander of Cavalry.

"Hell no, dude." CC refused. "Your leadership sucks and I won't serve you. This is not a sustainable business model. You can't just keep killing everyone who won't support your tyranny."

"I'm going to kill you now." DZ said. CC ran, managing to make it out of the capital, but was captured in a nearby county. He was brought before the local magistrate, Chen Gong, who served DZ.

"Come on, man. Don't kill me. You have to realize that Dong Zhuo sucks. Everyone is miserable under his rule, and it's only a matter of time before the warlords form a coalition against him. In fact, if I survive this, that's exactly what I'm gonna do. You know me; you know I'm completely capable."

"Yeah, alright." CG said, left his resignation letter, and fled with CC back en route to the warlord's lands.

Lu Boshe

Along the way, they came upon the house of Lu Boshe, a distant cousin of CC's. CC proposed that they rest there for the night.

"Sure thing, coz! Of course you can stay here!" LB said. "We can have a feast! I'll go to the market and get some more food."

LB left, leaving CC and CG in his guest room while his family prepared for the feast. After some time, CC overheard the family speaking.

"We'll cut his throat, then hang him upside down to drain out all the blood."

"Son of a bitch!" CC whispered. "They're planning to kill me and give my head to Dong Zhuo!"

"Uh, hold on, you might be jumping to conclusions here." CG said.

"Nah, yo, they're going to kill us. We have to act first! You TRAITORS!" CC charged out and cut down every one of LB's family......then spotted a pig in the corner of the room.

"Whoa. Dude. You're insane." the pig said. "They were talking about slaughtering me for the feast. You were completely safe. Um, thanks though."

"Oops. Let's get out of here." CC said to a speechless CG. They left the house, only to run into LB a couple minutes later.

"Oh, hey coz! Where are you going? Look, I got some really good wine. We're gonna have a blast!"

"Um...I don't feel safe here. I think Dong Zhuo is still chasing me and I don't want him to hurt your family. So, I have to keep moving."

"Oh, ok. We'll catch up some other time, then. More wine for me, haha!" LB turned to head back home, at which point CC stabbed him through the back so he couldn't take vengeance after seeing his family killed.

"I would rather betray the world than let the world betray me." CC declared.

"Not cool, dude." CG said. That night, while CC was asleep, CG left quietly. CC woke up the next morning, shrugged, and made it back home.

The Campaign Against Dong Zhuo

Cao Cao made good on his words, rallying other warlords to join in an attempt to storm the capital and overthrow DZ. The allied forces included familiar faces like Liu Bei, Sun Jian, and Yuan Shao, who was made commander.

The Battle of Sishui Gate

The Allies' first move was to gain control of Sishui, the first of two gates on a mountain pass that led directly to the capital city. YS put SJ in the vanguard, ordering him to take the pass and wait for the rest of the allied army to show up. YS also ordered his cousin, Yuan Shu, to be in charge of supplying provisions to SJ's forward camp. SJ successfully took the pass and set up camp there, waiting for Y.Shu to send food.

Y.Shu, however, was spiteful that he wasn't given command of the vanguard. He refused to deliver supplies to SJ, causing the forward army to starve and start infighting. Meanwhile, DZ sent one of his best generals, Hua Xiong, to attack SJ's camp. The allied forces were scattered and SJ barely escaped with a few of his men.

HX soon rode up to the main army to taunt them.

"1v1 me, bro." he said. "No items, Fox only, Final Destination. I'll duel any one of you."

A couple of allied generals accepted the challenge, but proved no match for HX as they were defeated and killed. As HX continued mocking the allies, Guan Yu decided to step up to the plate. Cao Cao, admiring his bravery, applauded him and offered him a cup of warm wine.

"Not yet." said GY. "Imma go kill this dude first."

"But it'll be cold by the time you get back!"

"No, it won't."

GY strode out to face HX, defeated him in under a minute, and brought his head back to Yuan Shao. GY then proceeded to have his wine, still nice and warm. At this point, CC began to develop a huge man crush on GY, and lamented the fact that he served Liu Bei. The allies moved in on Sishui Gate and forced the rest of DZ's men to retreat.

The Battle of Hulao Gate

The allied army continued advancing and made their way to Hulao, the final gate that would lead straight to the capital city. This time, DZ sent his great warrior Lu Bu to command the defense. LB quickly smashed through the allies' forward camp and, like HX, rode to the allies' main camp and mocked them. A few generals attempted to duel him but were cut down easily.

The allies, terrified of LB, now glanced desperately over at GY, the hero of the last battle. GY sighed and started onto the field, but was stopped by his brother Zhang Fei.

"Let me fight him, brother." ZF said. "It's time I make a name for myself, too!"

ZF charged out and taunted LB, calling him a "bastard of three fathers," referring to his birth father, the father he betrayed for DZ, and DZ himself. In a culture where filial piety is paramount, this insult was severely offensive.

ZF and an enraged LB clashed for 50 exchanges, after which GY joined in to help his brother.

"Hey, whoa, ok, I guess this isn't a duel anymore???" LB said, flustered. Still, he managed to fight both of the brothers for another 30 exchanges, after which Liu Bei joined in as well.

"Ok, fuck you guys." said Lu Bu. He retreated back to the capital, exhausted. The allied army advanced and occupied Hu Lao Gate.

Dong Zhuo's Retreat

"Hey, they just beat Lu Bu. We're kind of boned here." one of DZ's advisors spoke.

"Yeah. Screw it, we'll just move." DZ said. "Raid the coffers, loot the old emperors' tombs, and we'll burn the whole city down."

They did so, leaving the thousands of civilians in the city to die as their army traveled west to the city of Chang'an. The allied army, tired after two battles and disheartened at seeing the capital burn, did not pursue.

"Guys, Dong Zhuo is right there." Cao Cao said. "We have to chase him and kill him! That was the whole point of this campaign!"

"Ehhhh I dunno, man." Yuan Shao said. "He still has a lot of dudes. And Lu Bu."

"Yeah, and I lost most of my men thanks to scumbag Yuan Shu. I'm out." said Sun Jian.

"We got our asses kicked too. We need to rest." said Liu Bei.

"Goramit." CC swore, frustrated. "He still has the young emperor hostage! We need to save him! What about the rest of you allied warlords?"

"Yeah, uh, I have to get up pretty early for a thing tomorrow, so..."
"Oh, I'd love to, but I have this stomach problem and my doctor says I shouldn't be active for this long. You know how it is."
"I gotta go to a play at my kid's school. Sorry."

"Pussies." CC led his army alone in pursuit of DZ. Unfortunately, he was badly outnumbered, and was soon forced to retreat home. DZ successfully made it to Chang'an and declared it the new capital city.

Meanwhile, the allied armies disbanded. Sun Jian, while poking around in the ruins of the old capital, happened to find the Imperial Seal, a piece of jade generally held by emperors. SJ took this as a sign from heaven that he was destined to rule the land, and quietly pocketed it.

Dong Zhuo's Demise

In Chang'an, DZ recruited some more followers, including court official Wang Yun. WY recognized that DZ was a piece of crap, and planned to assassinate him. However, he knew that many others had previously tried and failed, and lost their heads for it. He would have to come up with something different. One day, as he was pondering what to do, he heard beautiful singing and lute playing coming from his garden. He looked outside, and saw Diao Chan there, his foster daughter who had grown up to be incredibly beautiful.

"Holy shit, my daughter's hot!" he said. A couple of nearby servants raised their eyebrows.

"No I didn't mean that in a weird way. I just mean I think I can use her to manipulate someone into committing murder for me." he explained. The servants left, shaking their heads in disgust.

WY hatched a plan to have DC seduce both DZ and Lu Bu, and instigate the latter into killing the former out of jealousy. One day as LB was having dinner, WY sent DC to be his serving girl. She went up to LB, poured his tea, looked over her shoulder at him, bit her bottom lip a little, the whole nine yards. Smitten by her beauty, LB approached her afterwards.

"Hee-hee!" he said. "Oooh! Shamone!"

"Um, hi." replied DC. "You're pretty cute, I guess, but could you please stop grabbing your crotch like that?"

"Hee-hee! Hee-- oh sorry. Um, you wanna go see a movie some time?"

"K."

LB was successfully wooed, and DC kind of liked him as well. Her job was only half done, however. WY arranged for her to serve DZ next. DZ was promptly smitten as well, and bedded her that night.

DC ran to LB the next day, saying that she only loved him and that DZ had taken her against her will (which was probably true). LB consoled her, then went after DZ, furious.

"Hey, douche! You slept with my woman!" he yelled.

"The girl is mine." replied DZ. "The doggone girl is mine."

"No way, man! You're fat and ugly and no one actually likes you. She belongs with me, the strongest, hunkiest warrior in the land."

"She's mine and that's final! I'm the emperor! Nothing you say or do can ever change that!"

"I'll fight you for her."

"........ah crap."

DZ's head tumbled across the throne room. WY saw it all happen and laughed to himself, rubbing his hands together.

"Heh heh heh...just as I planned. Everything went down perfectly and there's nothing I didn't think of. Ha ha ha! ........Hey where is everyone?"

DC, LB and his followers had all fled. DZ's loyalists soon barged into the throne room and killed WY.

Power Struggles across the Country

Dong Zhuo's men now controlled the emperor, but they had no ambition and also sucked at running a government. After a few months, they began infighting and, being completely apathetic to the emperor, allowed him to return back to the original burned down capital city. There, the emperor and his few loyal generals were basically worthless, too weak to be a strong military force and barely having enough money to afford food.

Most of the other warlords ignored the emperor, being too busy fighting each other for more land and power. Cao Cao, however, recognized that being in control of the boy was a smart political move. He pledged his loyalty to the emperor and relocated the imperial forces to a new city on his own lands. There, he used the emperor as a puppet much like DZ did, but he was a lot better at it, knowing how to play the game and not piss everyone off. However, imperial power was next to nothing at that point, so CC's puppeteering wouldn't yet lead to much.

Sun Jian pledges to Yuan Shu

After SJ found the imperial seal, he thought to quietly move his forces back home and ponder his next move. However, someone had seen him take the seal, and reported this news to Yuan Shao. YS demanded that he relinquish the seal.

"I don't have it." said SJ. "I swear it - If I am hiding the seal, may I die under a hail of arrows!"

"Wow, really? Foreshadowing much?" YS said. "Fine, whatever. You should still serve our family, though. My cousin needs more guys."

SJ pledged his forces to Yuan Shu. His son, Sun Ce, approached him afterwards.

"Dad, why are we serving this clown? He dicked us by not sending supplies at Sishui, and he's kind of an asshole in general."

"I know, son." said SJ. "But these Yuan bros are very powerful and we got our asses kicked pretty hard fighting Dong Zhuo. We don't want to piss them off, and we can rebuild ourselves while under their banner."

A few months later, Y.Shu sent SJ to fight a rival warlord. During the battle, SJ was ambushed and died under a hail of arrows.

"Dammit, Dad." cried SC. "Why couldn't you have said, 'If I am hiding the seal, may my family be mobbed by sexy ladies'?"

"Sucks." said Y.Shu. "Speaking of which, that's a pretty clear sign that he had the seal all along."

"You're right." SC sighed. "Here, it's yours. Just remember who gave it to you."

"Oh, of course. I'll definitely see that you're rewarded. And I definitely won't use the seal to declare myself emperor."

Yuan Shu declares himself Emperor

An arrogant and selfish man, Y.Shu began calling himself the Son of Heaven, using the Imperial Seal as a claim that he should rule the country.

"Yeah, that's not ok." Cao Cao said, and began to mobilize his troops. He also had the emperor issue a royal edict, calling all warlords to put down the pretender. Liu Bei was one of the first to answer the call, and began warring with Y.Shu.

"Yep. This guy sucks." Sun Ce left Y.Shu, taking all the men and lands his father had earned while serving. Many of Y.Shu's other vassals did the same. This weakened Y.Shu pretty badly, leaving him desperate for allies.

Meanwhile, Lu Bu and his men had been wandering around looking for a new home. Y.Shu provided him with food and weapons, and incited him to take over Liu Bei's small land of Xiapi. L.Bu did so with ease, since L.Bei was away on the battlefield.

The Battle of Xiapi

Homeless, Liu Bei turned to Cao Cao for help in retaking Xiapi. CC accepted the alliance and the two moved together against Lu Bu and Yuan Shu.

CC sent his cousin Xiahou Dun to lead the vanguard and clear the way to Xiapi castle. XD arrived and engaged an enemy general named Gao Shun in a duel. After 50 exchanges, GS was badly wounded, and began to run away. Furious, XD chased after him, only to get jumped by another general who shot an arrow into his left eye. XD staggered, pulled the arrow out along with his eyeball, and said,

"Essence of my father and blood of my mother - I cannot just throw this away!"

He popped the eyeball into his mouth and swallowed it, then proceeded to kill the archer and GS. XD's men were inspired by his badassery, while his enemies pooped their pants in fear. XD easily won the skirmish, paving the way for CC's army. Lu Bu received no backup from Y.Shu, and was eventually defeated.

LB and his men were brought before CC. Among them was Chen Gong, who had been serving as LB's strategist.

"Oh. Hey." CG said.

"Oh. Hey." CC replied.

"This is awkward."

"Yeah. I mean, you spared my life way back when, but you were in my enemy's service just now. I'm going to have to kill you."

"Yeah I figured. I mean, you killed a bunch of civilians just for planning a feast for you."

"Heh, yeah."

CC had CG executed alongside LB. LB also owned a horse named Red Hare, which was the fastest horse in the land. CC gave it to Guan Yu as a gift, hoping to eventually sway his loyalty. In addition, he let Liu Bei and his brothers chill out at Xiapi, though the land now belonged to CC in name. He also "gave" Diao Chan to the three brothers, hoping she would drive a rift between them as she had done with Lu Bu and Dong Zhuo.

"This is really messed up." DC said to herself. "My own dad used me as a political tool to manipulate one dude into killing another. It worked, but I actually fell in love with the killer. But now he's dead and some other asshole is trying to use me for the same thing on his own enemies. Why do I have to be so hot???"

The three brothers did indeed become enchanted by DC, and soon began squabbling over her. One night, GY waited for his brothers to fall asleep, and took her out back to the castle's garden.

"Listen, this isn't gonna work out." he said. "It's not you, it's me. I can see right through the trick. I mean, come on, it just happened a few months ago with Dong Zhuo and Lu Bu."

"Yeah." DC sighed. "This wasn't my idea."

"I have to kill you now. You are really freakin' hot, but for the sake of our brotherhood and our cause you have to go. Bros before hos, ya know. Like, literally."

"I understand. At least now I can rejoin my boo. My Loo Boo."

"Goodbye, you ridiculous hottie." GY cut her throat and buried her, despite all the protests from his penis.

Liu Bei leaves Cao Cao's service

LB realized that CC was trying to get him killed, and also that he was pretty clearly using the emperor for his own ambitions. LB killed the governor of Xiapi that CC had instated, and took control of the province. CC swiftly retaliated, attacking Xiapi once again. During the battle, GY was captured after getting separated from his brothers, who were defeated soundly and forced to run away, becoming homeless once again.

Finally, CC had some alone time with GY. CC showered him with gifts and tried convincing him to join the warlord's forces, but GY remained firmly loyal to his brothers. This only made CC like him even more and keep trying to convince him. Finally GY declared that he would fight for CC, but only on the condition that if GY ever found out where his brothers were, he would be allowed to rejoin them. CC agreed.

Yuan Shu's Defeat

Having lost Lu Bu, Y.Shu was out of allies and running perilously low on troops and money. He requested aid from his cousin Yuan Shao, who had been reluctant since he had his own wars to fight. This time, though, Y.Shu promised to give Y.Shao the Imperial Seal if he would help. Y.Shao agreed, but it was too late; Cao Cao won a final decisive victory over Y.Shu and executed him.

Now CC held the emperor, the Imperial Seal, and a significant chunk of land right in the middle of the country.

"Not cool." said Y.Shao. "He's getting way too powerful. And even though Yuan Shu was a dick, he was still my family. It's time for revenging."

The Battle of Guandu

Cao Cao had gotten pretty strong, but Yuan Shao still had three times as many men, many, many, many, many men. CC's troops, however, were more disciplined. Furthermore, CC always carefully considered his tacticians' advice, while YS tended to ignore his.

"We shouldn't fight this battle just yet." YS's advisor said. "We should wait for someone to distract Cao Cao in the south, at which point we can sweep in from the north and crush him."

"No, ur dumb. We have 110,000 guys and he only has 40,000. We can just crush him right now."

"Cao Cao is very crafty, my lord. He wouldn't provoke this fight unless he had something up his sleeve. I really think we should wait."

YS had the advisor imprisoned for being such a bummer, then moved his army to Guandu, a massive plain bisected by the Yellow River. YS was encamped on the north side, CC on the south.

Skirmish at Baima

Baima was a small fortress on CC's side of the river, in which he had a few men stationed. YS planned to draw first blood by striking there and occupying the fort. He assigned 10,000 men to one of his strongest generals, Yan Liang, and ordered him to take Baima.

"Hang on, my lord." YS's new advisor spoke. "Don't send Yan Liang alone. He's strong but he's pretty dumb and really impatient. Send someone else with him, to lead and give commands."

"No, that's not necessary." said YS. "He's a great fighter and Cao Cao has like no guys at Baima. This will be easier than white on rice."

"That's not even....what?" the advisor shook his head as YS continued to ignore him.

"Go now, Yan Liang! Take Baima!"

"Ok yes time for fight!" YL charged out and laid siege to the fort. CC's men held for a time, but it was clear that they would be overrun before long. In response, CC marched his entire army up to the river bank, far to the west of Baima.

"Ha ha, they are scared from me!" YL laughed to himself as he saw CC's army moving away. YS believed that CC was about to cross the river and hit his army from behind, so he moved his forces west as well. This left YL completely cut off from his main army, with no reinforcements. CC quickly sent Guan Yu and a small force of men to attack YL at Baima.

"Oh noooOOOooo!!" YL cried just before getting beheaded by GY. The siege was lifted shortly after. CC now ordered a full retreat of his entire army, since they were still vastly outnumbered.

Skirmish at Yan Ford

YS wasn't about to just let them run, however. He sent the entirety of his cavalry to give chase, 6000 horses and soldiers led by another of his great generals, Wen Chou, along with Liu Bei, who had sought refuge with YS after being ousted from Xiapi.

CC purposely had his supply train move slowly and lag far behind his main army. As WC's cavalry charged past the supplies to chase CC's troops, they were distracted by the goods sitting out in plain sight.

"Gold!"
"Food and weapons!"
"Ooh, piece of candy!"

The poorly disciplined soldiers began to break formation and loot the supply train. At this point, CC's own cavalry charged in from behind a hill, and decimated YS's horsemen. WC was slain by Guan Yu, and Liu Bei was forced to run away, homeless once again.

"Here's Wen Chou's head." GY said, passing it to CC. "I killed Yuan Shao's two best generals, so I think I've repaid your hospitality. Also, I'm pretty sure I saw my bros running away just now. As per our previous agreement, hereby forthwith my service to you is terminated and I will presently rejoin my brothers in accordance with the aforementioned contract, quid quo pro."

"Fine. Go. I never needed you anyway. I love you..." CC whispered as GY rode off to rejoin LB.

Siege of Guandu

CC's army made it back to their base at Guandu Castle, with almost no losses. On the other side, YS had lost his two best generals and thousands of men. His troops were demoralized, but still had a great advantage in numbers. They began laying siege to the castle walls. CC and his tacticians meant to hold at the castle all along, planning the previous two skirmishes perfectly, but now had no idea what to do.

Meanwhile, one of YS's vassals arrived on the scene with large stockpiles of food for their army. YS put all the food into his storehouses, and had it guarded by a thousand men.

"Uh, we should really have more guys guarding our food. If it were attacked, our army would fall apart."

"Nonsense. The storehouse is far away from the battlefield. It's perfectly safe." YS once again ignored his advisor. "Now press the siege!"

While YS was completely focused on breaking down the castle gates, CC led a force over to the storehouse and burned it to the ground.

"How could this have happened??" YS asked, baffled. His army's morale plummeted. After considering their previous two defeats, and the fact that they were now out of food, they finally began to question YS's crappy leadership. Many generals defected over to CC and chaos overtook YS's army. CC seized the opportunity to launch a full attack.

YS managed to flee back across the river with just 40,000 of his original 110,000 men. CC's losses were minimal, and the Battle of Guandu would be his greatest achievement. YS died of embarrassment shortly after the battle, and his two sons became conflicted over inheritance. They warred with each other as well as with other northern nobles who hoped to take advantage of the power struggle. Eventually, CC wiped them all out and united the entire Northeastern chunk of China under his rule.

Fledgling Phoenix, Sleeping Dragon

Following Yuan Shao's defeat, Liu Bei went south and sought refuge with his cousin Liu Biao, who owned a large piece of land in the southwest. Joining him was Zhao Yun, a skilled warrior who had served YS but joined LB after being impressed by his leadership. L.Biao welcomed them and let LB govern the county of Xinye.

In Xinye, LB sought to recruit more men to his cause, which was to free the emperor from Cao Cao's control and restore the Han dynasty. He went to a nearby place where scholars tended to congregate and nerd out.

"I have strong dudes, and I have loyal dudes, but I don't have any smart dudes. Which is probably why I keep losing battles and becoming homeless. Do you have anyone I can recruit?" LB asked the head philosopher.

"There's two guys in this province that are super smart, brilliant tacticians. One is Pang Tong, nicknamed the Fledgling Phoenix; the other is Zhuge Liang, the Sleeping Dragon."

"Ok, so tell them to come meet with me. They sound like exactly what I need." LB said. The philosopher shook his head.

"I can get Pang Tong, but Zhuge is kind of a dick. He knows he's the smartest guy in the world so he just stays in his house in the mountains and doesn't talk to anybody. He thinks we're all too dumb to speak with him."

"Ha! Everyone else might be too dumb, but not this everyone! I'll show him I'm not dumb person!" LB stormed out. The philosopher covered his face with his palm.

LB found Zhuge Liang's home, and knocked on the door.

"Mister Superman no here." ZL said, opening the door just a crack.

"Zhuge Liang, I just want to talk. You're a brilliant mind and you're exactly what this country needs."

"No.....no....." ZL shut the door. LB continued knocking and pleading, but was ignored. He gave up and went home.

The next day he returned and knocked again.

"Zhuge Liang, please. We're fighting to protect the weak and restore order to the government. Cao Cao is way too ruthless to rule, you know this!"

"Listen, I'd love to chat." ZL opened the door just a crack once again. "But Kitchen Nightmares is on. The preview showed Ramsay getting in a fistfight so I don't want to miss anything."

The door slammed shut again, leaving LB to plead and holler for another few hours before giving up.

The next day, he returned once again.

"Zhuge Liang, I'm not giving up here. With my leadership and your talent, we can put an end to the wars and finally bring peace back to the country."

The door swung wide open.

"You've honored me with three visits now, Lord Liu Bei." ZL said. "I know who you are and what you fight for. I know you have Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, Zhao Yun, and other great men who are strong and loyal. I know that you are sincere and virtuous. I will join you."

LB sighed in relief. "Wait, if you knew all that this whole time, why'd you make me knock on your door for three days??"

"I wanted you to prove that you really care about me. That I'm not your just-for-fun that you'll leave for the next strategist that comes along."

"Freakin' woman."

"Yeah. Speaking of which, I'd like you to meet someone. This my wife. Great success, very nice, high five." ZL stepped back to introduce his resoundingly average-looking wife, Huang Yueying. She bowed and batted her eyelashes in a way that was neither alluring nor repelling.

"Hey, not bad." LB said. "I mean, not good, but not bad. I'm surprised a tremendous nerd like you landed such an average wife."

"Funny story about that. One of the other big nerds at our hangout told me he had a daughter up for marriage, who was very ugly but was just as smart as me."

"I'm not actually ugly." HY huffed. "I just spread that rumor so I wouldn't get chased by a bunch of idiot suitors. In fact, even when they did visit me, I wore a veil to hide my face. They always bitched out and left before unmasking me, for fear that I was actually hideous."

"I didn't fall for it, of course." ZL smiled. "I walked right up and lifted the veil, to discover that she was in fact incredibly normal looking. I was impressed with her cleverness, so I married her on the spot."

"That is the worst story I've ever heard." LB said. "Now let's go!"

ZL joined LB as his chief strategist, and Pang Tong joined as Assistant (to the) Chief Strategist.

The Battle of Changban

Soon after, Liu Biao died of illness, and his two sons, Liu Cong and Liu Qi, fought over who inherited which lands. They split the province roughly into LC'S northern half (in which Liu Bei resided) and LQ's southern half. Seeing the bitter divide between the two sons, Cao Cao decided to sweep in from the north and take over. LC surrendered quickly, effectively making LB a subject of CC.

"Fuck that." LB said, and began fleeing with his army and the civilians he governed. As he moved south, other people who were unwilling to submit to CC also joined him. LB eventually had 100,000 unarmed civilians and all their luggage following him, so he moved incredibly slowly. He sent Guan Yu ahead to secure an escape route while the main army and civilians slowly followed.

CC wanted to finally put an end to LB, recognizing that he would one day become a huge threat. CC's cavalry caught up to LB's army in the county of Changban. LB left behind some troops to stall the chase and fled, abandoning his wife and baby son in the process.

Zhao Yun's Allegiance

"Uh, what? You're just ditching your wife and kid?" asked Zhao Yun.

"Meh, she's not that hot. And the kid I'm pretty sure will grow up to be completely worthless. Plus I'm the leader of all these people, I have to stay alive for their sakes, etc." LB replied.

"Wow. Ok." ZY mounted his horse and rode north towards CC's army.

"What the!" Zhang Fei, in command of the rear guard, saw ZY heading towards the enemy. "Zhao Yun's betrayed us and joined Cao Cao! Next time I see him, I'm gonna cut off his head!"

ZY single-handedly cut a path through the enemy army and found LB's wife and baby son in hiding.

"My lady, come with me! I'll bring you both back to safety!"

"No, I would just be a burden and get us all killed. Here, take this baby. See ya!"

LB's wife jumped headfirst down a nearby well, killing herself.

"This family is messed up." ZY shook his head and tied the baby in a sling across his back, then cut his way back out towards LB. Bruised, bloody, and with a couple of arrows stuck in him, he managed to reach ZF and the rear guard.

"Hey, traitor! I'm gonna cut off your head!" ZF yelled.

"No, idiot, look! I've got our lord's son!"

"Oh. Sorry. Wanna fight anyway?"

"Shut up and help me!" ZY coughed. Only now did ZF notice the horde of enemies still chasing.

Zhang Fei holds the Han River bridge

LB planned to move southeast towards the lands of Liu Qi, who defied CC and would welcome the refugees. LB's army and the civilians had just managed to make it east across the Han River. ZF sent all of his soldiers with ZY across the bridge, then turned to face CC's troops alone.

"Fuck you!" they yelled, 5000 cavalry and footmen total, as they charged at ZF.

"NO, FUCK YOU!!!" he yelled back, so loud and ferocious that they all stopped in their tracks.

"I am Zhang Fei. Come forth and fight me to the death! The only way you'll cross this bridge is if I fling your corpse over!"

Understandably, CC's men were all terrified and none of them dared to move. ZF held them there for a while, shouting insults about their mothers, then mounted his horse and caught up with LB. CC's troops started to give chase, but at that point Guan Yu returned with 10,000 of LQ's men. CC gave up the chase and LB was safe for the time being.

"Here, my lord. I retrieved your son." ZY handed the baby off and fell to his knees in exhaustion.

"Damn you, stupid baby! You made everyone think Zhao Yun betrayed me, and then you almost got him killed!" LB threw his child angrily to the ground.

"Dude!" ZY caught the baby before it hit the dirt. "Take care of your damn son!"

"Fine, fine, I'll raise him." LB said. "I'm telling you, though, he'll almost definitely grow up to be completely worthless."

The Battle of Red Cliffs

Meanwhile, in the east, the death of his father had sparked a metaphorical fire under Sun Ce's bum. Though just 16 years old, he had a commanding presence and inspired fierce loyalty from his vassals. He managed to subdue all of the nearby warlords, avenging his father in the process and earning himself the nickname, ~~"The Young Wolf"~~ "The Little Conqueror." Eventually, he united all of the southeast under his rule, but soon after succumbed to stress, wounds, and illness, dying early at the age of 25. He was succeeded by his brother, Sun Quan.

After successfully escaping from Cao Cao, Liu Bei sent Zhuge Liang to propose an alliance to SQ.

"My lord, Cao Cao sucks and he'll try to kill us all soon. We need to combine our forces and fight him; it's our only hope." ZL said.

"Hmm..." SQ was hesitant.

"Don't do it, my lord!" one of his advisors spoke. "Cao Cao just sent a threatening letter saying he has 800,000 guys! We can't possibly fight that!"

"He's bluffing." replied Zhou Yu, SQ's chief strategist and bffl. "I estimate he only has 220,000 guys."

"Still, we only have 30,000, and Liu Bei has 20,000! We have to surrender!"

"Urgh..." SQ was distraught.

"We can beat him." ZL and ZY said, eyeing each other knowingly.

"No chance! 220,000 against 50,000? We'll be slaughtered! Surrender for the sake of your people!"

"Gah..." SQ was torn.

The assembly of advisors soon began arguing and shouting loudly at each other, half in favor of war and half in favor of surrender. Amidst the noise, ZL leaned in close to SQ and whispered in his ear.

"Your father and brother fought to their deaths to build your empire. You would just hand it over to Cao Cao?"

SQ's eyes went wide and his balls finally descended. He stood from his chair, drew his sword and brought it down on a nearby table. A chunk of the corner was sliced cleanly off, clattering to the ground. The room fell silent.

"Anyone who still dares to argue for surrender will end up like this table." SQ declared.

And so, the alliance was formed.

Zhuge Liang and Zhou Yu Discuss Strategy

"Cao Cao's men are a long way from home." ZL said. "He spent a lot of energy marching south and making Liu Bei homeless again. His troops are tired and will not be fighting us at full strength. Even the most powerful arrow at the end of its flight cannot pierce a silk cloth."

"Also, his northern men are all cavalry and foot soldiers." ZY added. "They are strong fighters on land, but the southeast is full of rivers. Sun Quan's men are masters of naval warfare. Cao Cao is building a massive fleet, but he knows nothing about how to fight on the water."

"Furthermore, of his 220,000 dudes, 70,000 of them were forcibly drafted from the recently conquered southwestern lands. They probably don't like him very much."

"And lastly, winter is coming. The stark contrast between our armies means we can easily feed ours, while he'll have trouble sustaining his through the cold months." ZY said. "Four grave mistakes he has committed, yet he still persists. So, how do we take advantage of this, and defeat him?"

ZL dipped two brushes in ink and handed one to ZY. They both wrote a word on their hands, and revealed it to each other.

Fire.

"Our men can make the fire, easily." ZY smiled. "But the wind is blowing south, and has been for days. Any fire we start on Cao Cao's ships will spread to our own."

"The wind will turn." ZL said with a wink. "Trust me, I'm a good meteorologist. Not like those idiots on TV."

"Alright. Meanwhile, we're also out of arrows, and with all the ships we're building, we lack the wood to make more."

"I'll handle that as well. You just worry about starting the fire. Cao Cao is a shrewd man; he will be expecting it."

Borrowing 100,000 Arrows

Zhuge Liang covered twenty small boats with straw and hay, and placed straw dummies aboard them. One morning, as the sun had just risen and the fog was thick, he sailed upriver with a small crew of men, right up to Cao Cao's encampment. He had his men bang war drums and shout loudly as if they were launching an attack. CC's soldiers, through the dim light and heavy fog, saw what looked like hundreds of enemies sailing towards them, and quickly fired volley after volley at the boats. The arrows stuck into the boats and straw dummies, adding so much weight that the boats almost flipped over. ZL had them turn around, filling the other side with arrows and restoring balance, then ordered a full retreat. CC's men high-fived each other, proud that they had defeated their enemy so easily. Meanwhile, ZL returned home with 100,000 arrows, planning to give every one of them back during the upcoming battle.

Pang Tong's Ruse

As Zhou Yu predicted, CC's men were having a rough time adjusting to southern life and spending time on boats. Many of his troops fell seasick and couldn't handle the constant rocking of the ships.

While people throughout the country knew of Zhuge Liang and his brilliance, almost no one knew Pang Tong. This ended up working in his favor, since no one could recognize him. He moseyed up to CC's ships, pretending to be one of their men.

"Goramit, I hate boats. I can't stand-- BLERGH!" one of the northerners blew chunks.

"Haha, idiot. Can't even keep your-- HUNGH!" another soldier tossed his cookies.

"I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't-- BLUUUH!" a third man did another crude slang for vomiting.

"Yo, guys." PT said casually. "Just link all the ships together with big chains. That way, they'll all be stable and won't rock around anymore. Also then none of you can escape the blazing inferno."

"Hey yeah, great idea! Thanks, stranger!"

"No problem. And put wooden planks between the boats, so you can walk back and forth between them. Make sure they're nice and flammable. I mean, sturdy."

Ignition

"How am I going to just start a fire? Cao Cao will see it coming a mile away." Zhou Yu sighed, deep in thought.

"I have an idea, my lord." Huang Gai, one of Sun Quan's generals, spoke up. "We know there are spies in our ranks. You can call me a traitor in front of everyone, and insult and humiliate me. Then, I'll pretend to defect over to the enemy, carrying a ship full of explosives."

"Hmm. Then, the spies would confirm to Cao Cao that I was a total dick to you and make your surrender seem legit."

"Yeah! You can whip me and beat me too, so that the spies will REALLY believe it. Plus, I'm into that kind of thing."

"Great idea, we'll do it! Wait, what was that last part?"

The next day, ZY called a war council in front of his entire army.

"Zhou Yu, we should surrender to Cao Cao immediately! There's no way we can beat him! Also, you smell like old cheese!" HG yelled.

"How dare you?! I knew you sympathized with the enemy, oathbreaker! Go join him then, you sack of potatoes! I never liked you anyway!" ZY had HG flogged and lashed mercilessly.

Soon after, HG sent a letter to CC, announcing his desire to defect.

"Bullcrap." CC tossed the letter aside. "An obvious trick. He's just pretending to surrender so he can set my ships on fire."

"No, it's true, my lord." said one of the spies who had been at the war council. "Zhou Yu really put him on blast and beat the hell out of him. Huang Gai seemed kind of into it, though, it was weird. Anyway, his defection is legit."

"Hmm. Well if you say so." CC rubbed his chin. "Also, the wind is blowing south. Even if they start a fire, the flames will just spread into their own fleet, ensuring our victory. Fine, allow Huang Gai to approach."

A few days later, HG sailed northwest...with the wind at his back. The wind had turned just as Zhuge Liang predicted. HG ignited his ship full of volatiles, then jumped overboard. The flaming ship crashed into CC's fleet, and the fire spread wildly thanks to the wind and the chains that bound the ships together.

"Haha!" ZL, PT and ZY high-fived each other. "Great success! Very nice!"

"Wait, I already did a Borat reference earlier." ZL said, ashamed. The others shook their heads.

The Aftermath

The northern forces were decimated by the fire, and Cao Cao was forced to flee back home. While Sun Quan pursued, Liu Bei seized the opportunity to wrest the southwestern lands from the northerners. As CC retreated, his cousin Cao Ren put up a defense so solid that SQ couldn't break through and actually took heavy losses of his own. Both factions pulled back to their homes in the north and southeast.

"Hey, wait." SQ said. "Now Liu Bei holds the southwest, and Cao Cao still has the north. We didn't gain anything from this! All we did was lose a lot of guys!"

"Dammit, Zhuge Liang!" Zhou Yu died from the shame of being outsmarted.

"NOOO!" SQ cried over his friend's body. "Liu Bei! Give me some of the southwest! It was a joint effort that allowed you to take it!"

"Nah." LB shook his head. "We didn't sign a contract or anything. Sucks for you, nyah nyah!"

SQ tried over and over to be diplomatic and get LB to relinquish some land, but to no avail. He even let LB marry his sister, hoping to strengthen ties between them, but LB still refused to budge. The relationship between the two factions soured badly, and their alliance hung by a thread.

Meanwhile, Cao Cao slowly rebuilt his strength. To gain more authoritative power, he had the emperor declare him King of the northern lands.

"The King in the North! The King in the North! The King in the North!" his men chanted. In response, Liu Bei and Sun Quan declared themselves Kings of their own lands.

And so the Three Kingdoms emerged; Wei in the north, Shu in the southwest, Wu in the southeast.

The Battle of Fan Castle

LB sent Guan Yu northwards to take Fan Castle on the border between Shu and Wei. Cao Ren commanded the defenses there, and GY's army was unable to break through.

"Yeah, hi." CR said. "I don't know if Sun Quan told you but I'm really good at defending things. Speaking of Sun Quan, look behind you."

"You should have shared some land, mof! Now we're taking it by force!" Lu Meng, SQ's new strategist, had seized GY's lands while he was away and now had him surrounded. Seeing no way out of the situation, most of GY's men surrendered to the enemy. GY himself fought as long as he could, but was ultimately captured and executed.

Ghost

Lu Meng sent Guan Yu's head to Cao Cao to honor their secret alliance. After dropping the head in the mailbox, LM went to bed, proud that his scheme had worked.

"Return my head!" GY's ghost appeared in the bedroom.

"What the-- GAAAH!" LM leapt to his feet, shaking and covered in sweat, and the ghost was gone. LM was too terrified to go back to sleep. Night after night, the ghost would return, weighing on LM's health and sanity, until finally he fell ill and died.

"Return my head! Return my head!" the ghost now roamed all throughout the country and wouldn't shut up.

"General Guan." an old monk from GY's hometown heard the ghost and went out to address it. "Now you ask for your head, but from whom should Yan Liang, Wen Chou, and so many others ask for theirs?"

"...........Huh. Got me there." Enlightened, GY's ghost disappeared and became a protective spirit for his hometown.

Meanwhile, after 5-7 business days, the head reached CC's house in the north. CC opened the box to find the head relaxed and normal-looking, as if it was only asleep.

"Ah, my old friend." CC said. "You were a great man. I wish this could have ended differently."

At that point, GY's eyes snapped wide open and glared directly at CC. CC fell out of his chair and passed out from shock.

When he came to, he found GY's eyes closed and at peace once again.

"General Guan is truly a god sent from heaven!" CC declared, and had the head buried with full honors.

Cao Cao Consults a Doctor

Shortly after, CC started getting terrible headaches, and simply being awake cause him great pain. He summoned the most skilled physician in the country, a man named Hua Tuo.

"Hey, I've been getting killer headaches recently." CC said as HT examined him.

"You have a brain tumor, dude." HT stated calmly. "But it's ok, with careful surgery, I can cut your head open a little bit and remove the bad stuff."

"WHAT?! Cut my head open?! I see now! You were sent by Liu Bei to kill me and avenge Guan Yu!"

"No, what? Dude, you're gonna die unless I do the surgery."

"Yeah right! Off with his head!" CC commanded, and HT was executed.

Days later, CC died of a brain tumor. His son Cao Pi succeeded him. Being a much less subtle man, CP simply forced the emperor to give up the throne, officially ending the Han dynasty in 220 AD.

The Battle of Yiling

Liu Bei and Zhang Fei were both devastated by Guan Yu's death. Their oath was broken; they would not die on the same day of the same month of the same year.

While ZF was already a heavy drinker beforehand, he drank even more now. And when he got drunk, he got violent. Day after day, he would get completely smashed and beat the snot out of his subordinates, none of whom were strong enough to restrain him. Finally, one night, they decided they had enough, and killed ZF in his sleep. Knowing LB would surely have their heads, they fled to join Sun Quan.

Vengeance

LB was overtaken by rage and grief, and immediately declared war on Wu. SQ tried to ease tensions by offering to give back the lands he had taken from Guan Yu. Zhuge Liang and Zhao Yun urged LB to accept the offer, citing that his army's morale was low and they couldn't afford a war, but LB would not be swayed. He mobilized his army and marched east.

Wu were commanded by Lu Xun, a brilliant and talented young strategist who succeeded Lu Meng. On the other side, LB had no all-star tactician; ZL was left behind in charge of defense, and Pang Tong had died in a minor battle years before.

Shu soldiers were able to win initial skirmishes, as they were more adept at fighting on mountainous terrain. Recognizing this, LX pulled his men back and set up camp further east on the open fields of Yiling. LB pursued, but in this new setting LX was able to put up a solid defense. For months LB was unable to break through, and being far away from home for so long caused his soldiers' morale to plummet. Worse still, summer had come and the heat became overbearing.

"Geez, it's hot." LB said. "There, a forest. The trees are all dead from heat but at least they'll provide some shade."

The Shu army moved their camp into the woods.

"Much better." LB sighed. "And look, there's a river that snakes behind us so we have easy access to water. Wait, what is it that Wu soldiers are known for, again?"

Fire and Water

LX sent some men to sail undetected past LB. Striking from behind, his goons set fire to the dry forest. The flames spread quickly and soon engulfed LB's camp. Shu soldiers ran to the river to get away from the inferno, but were shot down by Wu archers there.

The Shu army was decimated, and Liu Bei barely managed to get away. During his escape, he decided to ford the river and lost 4 oxen, 50 pounds of food, and 4 sets of clothes. Soon afterwards he died of dysentery, and was succeeded by his son, Liu Shan.

Zhuge Liang's Campaigns

LS turned out to be completely worthless, relying on Zhuge Liang to handle all government affairs as well as command the army. Meanwhile, Cao Pi had enlisted a strategist who rivaled ZL, a shifty man named Sima Yi. Sensing weakness, SY orchestrated a 5-pronged attack on Shu; Wu from the east, two Wei armies from the north, tribal Nanman people from the south, and a force of Shu turncoats from within.

ZL managed to turn all five armies away and kept his home safe.

"WHAT. HOW." SY grew frustrated at his inability to match ZL. He pulled his forces back to regroup.

Meanwhile, ZL convinced Sun Quan to re-up their alliance, ending ties between Wu and Wei. Wei was now hesitant to attack Shu again, for fear of Wu attacking their flank. This left only the southern Nanman tribes as an immediate threat to Shu.

Honey over Vinegar

The Nanman were united under a fierce warchief named Meng Huo. ZL marched south into the tribal lands and decisively won the first battle, able to capture MH at the end of it. However, he knew that simply crushing the southerners with force would not be enough; they would be resentful and rebel again later on, posing a constant threat.

ZL released MH and allowed him to rejoin his armies.

Days later, MH led another attack on Shu. Again, ZL captured and released him.

Days later, MH attacked again. ZL captured him and released him once more. The cycle repeated over and over, until finally, after the seventh release, MH didn't run off and instead went down on one knee.

"Ok, I get it." he said. "You could've killed me seven times now, and you could do it seven times more. On my honor, the southern tribes will never rebel again."

Zhuge Liang's Apprentice

Having pacified the south, ZL could now focus his attentions on fighting Wei. He marched his armies north to square off directly against Sima Yi. Suffering defeat after defeat, SY grew increasingly hateful of ZL's ability to always be three steps ahead.

ZL was accompanied by Ma Su, a strategist who ZL held in very high regard. Trusting in his abilities, ZL gave command of an army to MS and ordered him to capture the region of Jieting, a crucial spot to secure the movement of supplies to the front line.

MS was capable, but he was all book smarts and no street smarts. When he arrived in Jieting, he had the option of camping either on top of a hill, or in a defensible valley with easy access to water. Reasoning that the high ground always had the advantage, MS set up camp on the hill.

Wei soldiers surrounded the hill and cut off MS's water supply. The Shu army soon ran out of water, and Wei set fires on the hill. With nowhere to go and suffering from thirst, Shu was defeated resoundingly. MS managed to escape, and attempted to flee back to his home, knowing he would be punished for his failure. However, Shu riders soon caught him and brought him to ZL. With tears in his eyes, ZL ordered MS to be executed.

Empty City Ruse

ZL was now exposed; without Jieting, no supplies could come through from the southwest. Meanwhile, he had sent his forward army ahead to fight another battle, and only had a handful of men with him in an abandoned city. He knew Sima Yi would attack him before his forward army returned.

"I finally outsmarted you, bitch!" SY cackled. "Get ready for--"

The Wei army found the city gates wide open, with Shu soldiers dressed in civilian garb, casually sweeping the streets. ZL himself sat atop the gate, calmly playing a ditty on his harp. SY ordered his army to halt and glared at ZL, who completely disregarded him.

"Goramit, this is a trap. He must have like a million guys in there waiting to ambush us." SY grumbled to his son, Sima Zhao.

"Uh, I'm pretty sure he's bluffing." SZ said. "We crushed his secondary army and his main army is further north. He's screwed."

"Zhuge Liang would never make such a mistake. It's a double bluff."

"Dad, I'm pretty sure there's like 10 guys in there. It's a double-double bluff."

"It's too simple a trick for a mind like Zhuge Liang's. It's a double-double-double bluff."

"Double-double-double-double. We should attack."

"Double-double-double-double-double. He has something up his sleeve."

"Double-double-double-doub--"

"ENOUGH!" SY snapped. ".......Full retreat."

SZ shook his head as the Wei army pulled away. The ten Shu soldiers in the city breathed a huge sigh of relief.

"Amazing, Master Zhuge! How did you know that would work?"

"Sima Yi is a suspicious man by nature." ZL smiled. "He overthinks every situation. Furthermore, my reputation is one of a careful tactician who takes no risks. Suspecting an ambush is the only conclusion his mind would reach."

A New Apprentice

In their continued northern battles, Shu was unable to achieve any significant victories. However, ZL managed to acquire what he had sought all along - a replacement.

He was impressed by the tactical skills of a northern strategist named Jiang Wei. Thanks to a distrustful and hostile environment among other Wei generals, JW was convinced to join Shu. ZL taught him everything he could, and revealed that he had been suffering from illness for years. He knew he would die during this northern campaign, but said it was worth it if JW could lead Shu in his absence.

"I won't let you down, sir." JW said, teary-eyed.

"I know you won't. Please...look after Liu Shan...he's...so...worthless." ZL croaked.

Zhuge Liang was dead, and the Shu army was retreating back home. News of this reached Sima Yi, who didn't pursue for fear that ZL was still alive and waiting to spring a trap on him.

The End of the Three Kingdoms

The alliance between Shu and Wu held, but Wei was simply too strong. The three factions warred for another 30 years with no significant shifts in power.

All three kingdoms ended up collapsing due to crappy progeny. Sun Quan's son was more interested in living in luxury than maintaining his kingdom. Cao Pi's descendants were unable to play at politics, and Sima Yi managed to steal away more and more political influence with every passing year. And Liu Shan of course was completely worthless.

Eventually, Sima Zhao seized the throne from the Cao family and established the Jin Dynasty, then destroyed all remnants of Shu and Wu.

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Legacy

My writing here only just scratches the surface of Romance of the Three Kingdoms. There were many events and people that I didn't mention, including:

Gan Ning of the Bells, a Wu pirate turned soldier who wore bells around his waist to announce his arrival and strike fear in his enemies.

Ma Chao the Splendid, an unparalleled horseman of the northwest who wore shiny armor and fiercely resisted Cao Cao's dominion of the north. He was defeated due to betrayal from within his own forces, and fled south to join Shu.

The stories of the Three Kingdoms are well known among Chinese people even today. In Chinatown shops and restaurants you might see a statue of a red-faced man with a long beard, holding a guandao. That's Guan Yu, and the weapon is named after him. He's regarded as a paragon of honor, and merchants hope that displaying him will make customers believe they're in a trustworthy shop. The merchants usually also put a bowl of oranges in front of the statue to honor him, because I guess he really likes oranges.

The Oath of the Peach Garden also lives on today, though in quite a different context. Some groups such as the infamous Triads hold fraternal loyalty in high regard, and use a similar phrase of "hoping to die on the same day of the same month of the same year" in their oaths of initiation.

Liu Shan's worthlessness is also very well known, much to his chagrin. His childhood nickname was Adou, and to this day calling someone Adou is a grievous insult.

The place where Pang Tong ("The Fledgling Phoenix") was ambushed and killed is named the Valley of the Fallen Phoenix. It's found in Sichuan, in southwestern China.

Chinese sky lanterns are also called Kongming lanterns, named after Zhuge Liang (his style name was Kongming). Some say he invented them to send signals during battle, others say they simply look like the hat that he wore.

These legends have also spawned many sayings that are sometimes used today, such as:

"Speak Cao Cao and Cao Cao arrives."
A testament to Cao Cao's ruthlessness, this is the equivalent of "Speak of the devil and he shall appear."

"Zhou Yu hitting Huang Gai."
Describes a situation where one party pretends to be scorned by another, to gain the trust of a third party.

"Liu Bei borrows Jing Province."
Refers to when Liu Bei conquered the southwest but wouldn't share with Sun Quan. This describes when someone borrows something and never returns it.

"Wipe away tears and execute Ma Su."
Carry out a punishment despite your love for the victim.

"A dead Zhuge scares away a living Sima."
When one party is so paranoid of another that they psych themselves out; meanwhile the other party is not even involved.

"Everyone on the street knows what's on Sima Zhao's mind."
When someone's ulterior motives are very obvious.

"Brothers are like limbs, wives are like cloth. (Torn cloth can be fixed, how can broken limbs be mended?)"
Bros before hos, yo.

Brotherhood and unity were a central theme in the novel, especially regarding the three Shu bros. The novel portrays Liu Bei as the protagonist and Cao Cao as the villain, though in my eyes, Liu Bei was kind of a little bitch and Cao Cao was a cool guy.

And of course a plethora of movies and shows have been made based on RoTK. The most recent was Red Cliff, one of my favorite movies. Here's Zhao Yun saving Adou while Zhang Fei (bushy beard) and Guan Yu (long beard) battle the enemy. And here's Zhang Fei vs. everything.

That's the end of my write-up. If you enjoyed it, got a laugh or found it interesting, validate me by liking the facebook post or telling me so personally. Or better yet, give me all your money.

Animals and Anecdotes

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Wilson and Reno's Northern Adventure

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Romance of the Three Kingdoms