The Twelve Labors of Hercules

Hercules was the bastard son of Zeus and some smokin' hot mortal woman that Zeus jumped on. Hera was Zeus's wife, who hated Hercules with all her heart because he was a constant reminder of Zeus's infidelity. One day, Hera inflicted Hercules with temporary insanity, causing him to go nuts and murder his own wife and children. When he recovered, Hercules was devastated, and prayed to Apollo, the God of Oracles, to ask how he could atone for the murders. Apollo told Hercules to serve King Eurystheus of Mycenae for twelve years, after which Hercules would receive both atonement and immortality.

"Alright bro." said Eurystheus. "Complete ten tasks for me and we'll call it even."

The First Labor - Slaying the Nemean Lion

"First up, kill this freakin' lion." Eurystheus demanded. The lion had been terrorizing the province of Nemea, killing its citizens and any warriors who tried to stop it. Hercules traveled to its lair, and found it prowling around the nearby fields.

"Easy peasy." said Hercules. "I am a master archer; I will just shoot him from a distance."

Hercules fired an arrow at the lion, but it bounced uselessly off the beast's golden fur.

"Well, shit." said Hercules, as the lion charged at him. "Good thing I am also a master clubber."

Hercules drew his enormous wooden club and smacked the lion a couple of times, forcing it to retreat into its cave. Herc followed, but quickly realized that he couldn't kill the beast with his club alone, so he decided to grapple instead. After wrestling for a while, Herc got the lion into a wicked triangle choke and began strangling it. The lion tried to tap out, but Herc kept squeezing, eventually killing it. He brought the lion's corpse back to Eurystheus's citadel.

Eurystheus now realized that Herc was actually a freakishly strong demigod, and was so shocked and terrified that he never wanted to see Herc again. He gave Herc the second task, then forbade him from entering the city again, demanding that he instead meet a servant at the gates when he was done. Eurystheus also had someone sculpt a giant man-sized clay jar for hiding in.

The Second Labor - Slaying the Lernaen Hydra

Hercules went to the province of Lerna, where a nine-headed serpent was terrorizing the countryside. He was accompanied by his nephew Iolaus. Herc fired some flaming arrows into the Hydra's lair to draw it out.

"What the hell, man?" each of the nine heads said in unison as they lunged at him. Hercules drew his sword and began cutting off the hydra's heads. To his surprise, every time one head fell off, two more would grow back to replace it. Herc realized it was a hopeless battle and turned to Iolaus for help.

"Here, I have torch. I'll cauterize the neck stumps as you behead them, so no new ones can grow back." Iolaus said. The duo proceeded with the plan, with great success. Hera, seeing that Hercules was about to win, sent down a giant enemy crab named Karkinos to interfere. Hercules quickly killed the crab, hitting it in its weak spot for massive damage, then proceeded to finish off the hydra as well. Hera felt bad for sending the crab to its horrible death and turned it into the Cancer constellation.

Hercules upgraded his arrows by dipping them in the hydra's poisonous blood, then returned to Eurystheus with news of his victory. Eury realized that a test of strength would not be enough to stop Hercules, so he took a different approach for the next task.

The Third Labor - Catching the Ceryneian Hind

A hind is a female red deer. This particular hind, found near the city of Ceryneia, was a personal pet to Artemis, the Goddess of Hunting. Eurytheus demanded the animal's capture, hoping Herc would piss off the Goddess by messing with one of her favorite animals. The deer was super fast, and Hercules had to chase it for a full year before finally managing to hurt it with an arrow and capture it. On the way back to Eurystheus, Herc ran into a very pissed off Artemis and her brother Apollo.

"I'm really sorry, Artemis." Hercules said. "But that asshole Eurystheus is making me do this."

"It's true." Apollo chimed in. "This is part of Hercules's penance. Take it easy on him."

"Listen, Arty, I just have to show Eury that I caught it. After that, I'll let the hind go."

Artemis relented and agreed. Herc brought the deer back to Eury's gates, where Eury's servant declared that the deer was to be put into a zoo in the city. Herc had to keep his promise to Artemis, but also didn't want to anger Eurystheus by flat out denying him. He told the servant to come take the deer himself, since he couldn't enter the gates anyway. As soon as the servant tried to grab the deer, Hercules released it and it fled into the countryside.

"Well I guess you weren't fast enough." Hercules flashed him a cheeky grin.

"God dangit, Hercules." the servant threw his hands into the air. "Whatever just go catch this boar."

The Fourth Labor - Catching the Erymanthian Boar

Lacking creativity, Eurystheus told Herc to stop another giant animal that was terrorizing the countryside. Herc traveled to the mountain of Erymanthus, wondering how he was going to take down the boar.

"Wait a minute, I know a guy who lives around here. His name's Pholus; he's a centaur, but he's a cool guy." Hercules said to himself, and went to Pholus's cave to ask him for advice. Pholus suggested that Herc drive the boar towards thick snow, where it wouldn't be able to run as quickly. Herc thanked him, then asked Pholus for some wine.

"Nah, bro." said Pholus. "I only have one jug, and it was a gift from Dionysus to all of the centaurs. We can't open it."

"Come on, bro." replied Herc. "I wanna get wasted, yea boiiiii."

Hercules opened the jug and the two of them began drinking. Soon, nearby centaurs smelled that the wine had been opened, and charged into the cave.

"Dude! That's supposed to be for all of us!" the centaurs said angrily. Hercules, being completely reasonable and level-headed, shot some of them with his poison arrows and chased after the others with his club.

"Ah, geez." said Pholus, looking over the fallen centaurs. "How were my brethren killed so easily?"

Pholus started examining one of the poison arrows, then accidentally dropped it onto his own foot, killing himself. Herc returned to the cave and found his friend among a pile of centaur corpses, shrugged, and continued up the mountain.

Hercules proceeded to capture the boar, then returned to Eurystheus's city. The gate guards were absent that day, due to a scheduling error, so Herc walked right through and brought the boar into Eury's throne room. 

"So then I'm like, 'dude it's time to pay your taxes', and he's all like, 'no I don't wanna pay my taxes', so then I got-- AH SHIT!" Eurystheus was terrified by the presence of both Hercules and the giant boar, and jumped into his man-sized clay pot to hide.

"Pussy." Hercules said. The boar nodded its agreement.

"Get that shit out of here, you crazy bastard!" Eury cried. "You pass the trial, ok? Now leave me alone while I think up the next one!"

The Fifth Labor - Cleaning the Augean Stables

A couple days later, Eury finally thought of a task that didn't involve wrestling giant animals. He demanded that Hercules clean out the stables of King Augeas, who owned thousands of cattle and horses. The king, being terrible at his job, had not had the stables cleaned for 30 years. Eurystheus knew this would be incredibly humiliating for Hercules, and to make the task insurmountable, he demanded that the stables be cleaned in a single day.

"This is bullshit." Hercules said, pointing to a pile of bull shit. "If I have to do this, I'd better try to sweeten the deal."

Herc went to King Augeas and asked if he could claim a tenth of the herd if he could indeed clean the stables in a single day. Augeas agreed, thinking Herc couldn't possibly complete the task. Hercules went out to look at the stables, wondering how he was going to proceed.

Suddenly, a light bulb lit up above his head! Hercules took it down, asked 'What the hell is this?', and threw it aside. Then, he went over to a nearby river, dammed it up, and rerouted it to flow right through the stables. The river washed away 30 years' worth of poo, much to the dismay of everyone living downstream. Hercules then approached the king.

"Yo, that's cheating! You're not getting any of my herd." Augeas said.

Hercules smashed him over the head with his club.

"PUNK." Hercules spat. "Wait, shit. There needs to be a new king. Augeas Jr., you can do it."

"Thanks. I never liked Dad anyway. My name is Phyleus, though."

"Whatever, Steve. I'm out." Hercules returned to Eurystheus for his next assignment.

The Sixth Labor - Eliminating the Stymphalian Birds

Hercules was then told to get rid of a flock of killer birds that nested in a swamp near the town of Stymphalos. The birds had beaks of bronze and feathers like knives, which they would fling at travelers and then feast on their flesh. Herc traveled to the swamp, but found the birds too far within for him to reach. Athena came to his aid this time, giving him divine maracas that had been forged by Hephaestus himself. Herc climbed to the top of a nearby hill and laid down a sick rhythm, which frightened the birds. They took to the air, and Herc shot several of them down with his bow. The rest fled, never to return.

The Seventh Labor - Capturing the Cretan Bull

Yet again, Hercules was tasked with capturing a giant animal, this time a bull in Crete. The bull was captured easily, and released by Eurystheus after he saw how terrifying it was. It then wandered to the region of Marathon, where it was eventually killed by Theseus on his way to killing the Minotaur, because apparently he really disliked bulls.

The Eighth Labor - The Horses of Diomedes

Diomedes was the vicious king of Thrace who owned four man-eating horses. Hercules was tasked with capturing them. He traveled to Thrace with his friend Abderus, and the two of them started to untie the horses from their stables.

"Scumbag! What do you think you're doing?" Diomedes charged out towards them.

"Yo Abby, keep an eye on the horses. I gotta wrestle this fool." Hercules ran out to grapple with the king, finding him a surprisingly even match. Diomedes was also a demigod, being a son of Ares. Eventually, though, Herc was able to choke him out, and dragged his body back to the stables. There he discovered that Abderus had been overpowered and eaten by the horses.

"God dangit, Diomedes, my bro got ate while we were wrestling. Well now you're gonna get ate too." Hercules threw the king's body to the horses, who devoured him eagerly. This cured them of their hunger for man-flesh; they had only wanted to eat their master all along. Herc brought the horses back to Eurystheus, who released them and gave Herc his next task.

The Ninth Labor - Obtaining the Belt of Hippolyta

Hippolyta was the queen of the Amazons. Eury told Hercules to obtain her belt, which had been a gift from Ares. Hercules sailed to the Amazons' home and met with Hippolyta. He spit some serious game at her, to the point where she agreed to just give him the belt for free. However, Hera once again decided to interfere, posing as an Amazon and telling all the other women that Hercules planned on kidnapping their queen. The Amazons dressed for battle and charged towards Hercules.

"Dammit! You were planning to betray me all along!" Hercules cried.

"Wait, what?" Hippolyta said, confused. Hercules killed her, took her belt and ran back to Eurystheus.

The Tenth Labor - The Cattle of Geryon

Next, Hercules was sent far to the west to steal the cattle herd of a three-headed, multi-limbed giant named Geryon. On his journey there, Hercules had to cross the Libyan Desert, which was excruciatingly dry and hot. At one point, Herc got so angry that he fired an arrow up at the sun.

"Chill, bro, I was just playing." said Helios, God of the Sun. "I like your spirit. Here, you can borrow my golden chariot."

Hercules rode the chariot across desert and sea to Geryon's island of Erytheia. When he came ashore, he was accosted by a two-headed dog named Orthrus.

Hercules smashed it with his club, killing it.

"Dude! That was my dog!" Eurytion, one of Geryon's herdsmen, ran out to confront Hercules.

Hercules smashed him with his club, killing him.

As Herc began stealing the cattle, another herdsman ran to tell Geryon. The giant appeared, wearing three helmets, three shields, and three spears.

"Dude! You can't just go around killing people and taking their cows!" Geryon yelled.

Hercules killed him with a poison arrow, and began leading the herd back to Eurystheus. On his journey back, Hera sent a plague of flies to attack the cattle, irritating them and causing the herd to scatter. It took Hercules a full year to round them all back up. Eventually, he made it back to Eury.

"Alright, asshole, I did the ten tasks. Time for my atonement and immortality." Hercules declared.

"Nah, son." Eurystheus said, reluctant to let Hercules succeed. "Two of them don't count; the Hydra, cause Iolaus did the real work, and the stables, cause the river did all the work. You still owe me two."

"God dangit, Eurystheus! No one likes you!"

"Yeah whatever go get some apples."

The Eleventh Labor - The Apples of the Hesperides

Hercules was sent to collect some golden apples from a secret garden in the north. There, Atlas was holding up the world, while his daughters, the Hesperides nymphs, tended the garden. Hercules had no idea where the garden was, but set off anyway.

"I will find my way." he said. "I can go the distance."

A couple days later, Herc was completely lost and had to ask for directions. No one seemed to know where the garden was, but they all knew someone who did - Nereus, the local shape-shifting sea god. Herc consulted his list of ways of dealing with people:

- shoot poison arrows

- hit with club

- wrestle

Hercules decided to wrestle Nereus, who tried shape shifting to escape his grasp, but Herc was just too damn strong. Nereus relented and told Herc where the garden was. Herc continued on his way, and was soon challenged by Antaeus, a giant son of Poseidon and Gaia. Since his mother was the primordial Goddess of the Earth, Antaeus was invincible as long as he touched the ground. Hercules figured this out, and simply lifted Antaeus off the ground and crushed him in a bear hug, killing him.

Further on, Herc also ran into Prometheus. Prometheus was a titan who, long ago, had stolen fire from the gods and given it to humans to use. As punishment, the gods had him eternally chained to a rock, where every day, an eagle would swoop down and eat his liver, and every night, his liver would grow back. Hercules killed the eagle and freed Prometheus. In gratitude, Prometheus told him how to obtain the apples; only Atlas could pick them from the tree, so Herc would have to hold the world for Atlas while he did that.

Hercules found the garden, and found Atlas bearing the world on his shoulders.

"Yo dude, I need some of your apples. I'll hold that up for you while you pick them."

"Holy shit, definitely, dude. This shit is brutal." Atlas passed the world to Hercules and went to the golden tree.

"Listen, man." Atlas said, returning with the apples. "I'm really tired of holding up the world, and I could use a break. Let me take the apples to Eurystheus for you, then I'll come back."

"No way, man." Herc replied, suspecting that Atlas was just going to ditch him with the burden. "I already got DQ'd on two counts for having someone else help me. I gotta do it myself."

"Come on, bro! I've been holding that shit up for centuries!"

"Fine, fine." Herc said. "But listen, I got a really annoying itch, can you hold the world for a sec while I scratch it?"

"Sure, why not." Atlas shrugged, and took the weight of the world back.

"Got it? Ok. PEACE." Herc grabbed the apples and ran off.

"GOD DANGIT, HERCULES!!"

"Sucks to suck!" Hercules jeered, and ran back to Eurystheus, who was shocked that he had actually succeeded. Herc was then sent on his final task.

The Twelfth Labor - Capturing Cerberus

Eurystheus had tried over and over to get Hercules killed, but it never worked. Finally, he decided his best shot was to just send Hercules directly into the Underworld, with the task of capturing the three-headed guardian, Cerberus. Herc walked through the gates of the Underworld and asked Hades if he could borrow his dog.

"Sure." Hades said with a wicked smile. "But since you love wrestling so much, you can only have him if you can wrestle him into submission."

Hercules wrestled the dog into submission.

"Well, shit." Hades said. "Whatever just bring him back soon."

Hercules left the Underworld and went back to the gates of Eury's city, which were once again left unguarded due to miscommunication from upper management.

"So I make it all the way out to Thebes, right? And that's when I realize, I left my wallet in my other toga! So now I have to turn around and-- AH SHIT NOT AGAIN!" Eurystheus leapt into his giant clay pot once more upon seeing Hercules.

"Hey, douche! I got Cerberus! Now say I completed all the tasks!" Herc demanded.

"Alright, you completed all the tasks! Just get the hell out of here!" Eury cried.

"AWWWW YEAAAHHH!" Hercules and Cerberus's three heads sang in SATB harmony. Herc released the dog back into the Underworld, and ascended to Mount Olympus.

"My son!" Zeus greeted him. "Not only did you complete these impossible tasks, but you did so by killing a bunch of innocent people based on your own whims and terrible judgments! You truly belong among the Gods!"

And so Hercules achieved immortality, partially by being headstrong and dedicated, but mostly by being a tremendous asshole.